the war raging within me

We all have those times when our confidence is attacked, or maybe its our self- worth, pride, ability to love, be selfless, couragous, obediant. When these attacks happen we can choose to engage in battle, reminding yourself of the perspective you hold when you are truly believing that God created you and loves you.

Well,  had a battle the other day. It wasn’t the first time. Thats why I say a battle and not a war. The War is going on all the time, the spiritual war for my soul. And Even though I believe the outcome is already determined. I still get closer and closer to the victory with each won battle.

The attack came out of nowhere. I was actually in my closet deciding what to wear that day and I was reminded that I wasn’t viewed as highly by some people than others are. I asked myself, well does that really matter? why should it? its just one person. I know God cares for me deeply and thinks enough of me to deem me worthy of dying for. Can you get much better than that?

But my thoughts didn’t go down that path. I will be totally honest here. Here is the path I chose:

I thought of all the “things” i could have if we had endless money. How “hip” would I be if I could buy all the clothes and accessories my heart sometimes wishes for? But I dont. I am screwed. I will always be just average. unliked and thought unhighly of by certain peopl. Then I began to question why the friends I did have even liked me. I mean I think they are soo cool, hip, wonderful people inside and out. What did they see in me?

These type of thoughts plagued me, even about other issues in my life, it just spiraled for a few days. I was stuck in the trench with soldiers all around me screaming at me to surrender.

Then I was sitting at the kitchen table mulling all these thoughts and feelings over, when a song came on my ipod:

When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man’s advice, and I need man’s approval
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
What does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
And so much of what I say is to make myself look better
But this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life

And I have never felt relief like I feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cuz trying to please the world, it was breaking me down
It was breaking me down

And now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one
Cuz I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man, and pay the highest price
And what does it mean to gain a whole world, only to lose my life
And you can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain
I can’t even judge myself, only the Lord can say, ‘Well done.’

Oh, this journey is my own

and the battle was won, but the war rages on…

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