So one more day and the baby is due. That’s what I’m doing.
Waiting to be able to get out of bed without having to roll.
Waiting to have a night of not being woken up by 1 of 3 sick coughing kids, or acid burning my throat, or just plain restlessness.
Waiting to be able to fit into half the stuff in my suitcase again without always tugging it down over my belly.
Waiting to have something more to do than eat, sleep, shop, and wait.
Waiting till I can end my day some other way than by the light of of my computer screen in a dark room full of sleeping children.
Waiting to answer some questions: Who are you? what do you look like? are you healthy? what will your name be? when will you come?
Waiting to be woken in the middle of the night with a strong message from baby that it’s ready to meet us.
We just completed our first year here. A year full of so many firsts.
And they continue.
First time delivering a baby in India.
First time not knowing what were having.
First time being pregnant with hot flashes.
First time having a doula.
First time anticipating a water birth.
First time not intentionaly choosing to have an intimate birth with few in the room, and boundaries on visiting so our family can have space. First time having LOTS of space.
First time bringing a baby home to no one.
First time feeling so lonely at a time like this.
First time not having an email in my inbox with a schedule full of all the friends and family that will show us love through bringing meals for the next month or two.
First time wondering if anyone I love is even aware that our life is changing in a HUGE way, because I am on the other side of their world, the world they don’t see.
First time having to collect a babies wardrobe from scratch cause there are no hand me downs from best friends to enjoy.
First time having to thinknot just about birth certificates, and social security cards, but passports, visas, and births abroad. Right way.
First time having to constantly push the the thought away that my mom and dad won’t even get to meet my child till it’s one year old.
This waiting can be so unbearably irritating. Experiencing firsts can be so lonely. My heart has to temper the two with gratitude.
Grateful that I live in a place that has all I need to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery.
Grateful that I have Jesus to share with when my heart gets heavy with questions, anxieties, loneliness.
Grateful that I am almost 40 weeks and can still feel baby moving/tumbling/hiccuping around inside me.
Grateful that I get this chance again to experience the miracle of carrying a life inside me.
Grateful that in 12 days I get to greet the first “family” from Sacramento in my new home and share my child with them.
Grateful that we have 2 friends here joining us that can watch our kids and share in our knowledge of how waiting, and firsts changes you.
Grateful, in a weird way, for all these difficult things, some of the most difficult in my life, that are changing me, refining me.
Grateful to feel Him carry me in these lonely, heavy, uncertain moments.