Waiting, firsts, gratitude

So one more day and the baby is due. That’s what I’m doing.

Waiting.

Waiting to be able to get out of bed without having to roll.

Waiting to have a night of not being woken up by 1 of 3 sick coughing kids, or acid burning my throat, or just plain restlessness.

Waiting to be able to fit into half the stuff in my suitcase again without always tugging it down over my belly.

Waiting to have something more to do than eat, sleep, shop, and wait.

Waiting till I can end my day some other way than by the light of of my computer screen in a dark room full of sleeping children.

Waiting to answer some questions: Who are you? what do you look like? are you healthy? what will your name be? when will you come?

Waiting to be woken in the middle of the night with a strong message from baby that it’s ready to meet us.

We just completed our first year here. A year full of so many firsts.

And they continue.

First time delivering a baby in India.

First time not knowing what were having.

First time being pregnant with hot flashes.

First time having a doula.

First time anticipating a water birth.

First time not intentionaly choosing to have an intimate birth with few in the room, and boundaries on visiting so our family can have space. First time having LOTS of space.

First time bringing a baby home to no one.

First time feeling so lonely at a time like this.

First time not having an email in my inbox with a schedule full of all the friends and family that will show us love through bringing meals for the next month or two.

First time wondering if anyone I love is even aware that our life is changing in a HUGE way, because I am on the other side of their world, the world they don’t see.

First time having to collect a babies wardrobe from scratch cause there are no hand me downs from best friends to enjoy.

First time having to thinknot just about birth certificates, and social security cards, but passports, visas, and births abroad. Right way.

First time having to constantly push the the thought away that my mom and dad won’t even get to meet my child till it’s one year old.

This waiting can be so unbearably irritating. Experiencing firsts can be so lonely. My heart has to temper the two with gratitude.

Grateful that I live in a place that has all I need to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery.

Grateful that I have Jesus to share with when my heart gets heavy with questions, anxieties, loneliness.

Grateful that I am almost 40 weeks and can still feel baby moving/tumbling/hiccuping around inside me.

Grateful that I get this chance again to experience the miracle of carrying a life inside me.

Grateful that in 12 days I get to greet the first “family” from Sacramento in my new home and share my child with them.

Grateful that we have 2 friends here joining us that can watch our kids and share in our knowledge of how waiting, and firsts changes you.

Grateful, in a weird way, for all these difficult things, some of the most difficult in my life, that are changing me, refining me.

Grateful to feel Him carry me in these lonely, heavy, uncertain moments.

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10 thoughts on “Waiting, firsts, gratitude

  1. Oh Heidi, I hear how lonely and hard and long this waiting is. Do know that I and many others who love you and Josiah are waiting at a distance with you. May you know yourself carried by all the love and prayers for you and your family and this new one who is taking its sweet time. This work of waiting is so sacred. And soon, very soon, you will hold this little one in your arms. Much love to you.

  2. Ahhh . . . Heidi, you are not alone. We think of you, and pray for all the time. Joe and I love you, and feel so close to you through your blog, but we forget that you don’t know that unless we write. So here I am. Forgive me for not writing more often. May God bless you with peace 🙂
    Heidi

  3. wow. this is so well said. i echo it all (well, you know just not the carrying life inside me part). you are not alone here. i might not cook well, but you can count on me to bring you whatever you need whenever you need it. i love you & am SO excited to share in this time with your family. we are always here for you- don’t hesitate to ask for ANYTHING! o also can you tell the baby to come soon, I am SO excited to meet them!!!

  4. Heidi 🙂 praying for you guys! We just had a campfire at Laura and lydias house and were talking about when we thought the baby would come and trying to imagine what it will be like for you to give birth in India! We think of you all the time! Cant wait for pictures!!

  5. Hey mama Heidi!
    You write so well and open and honest! I love it! I wish I could come see your little one! Maybe a skype date and we can have our little ones meet each other!! I am super excited to find out what your having and what precious name you choose! And I can’t wait to share with you after that what we had and hear each others birth stories. Love you woman!

  6. Heidi,
    We are praying for you! I can not even begin to understand what it is like to be in your shoes but the creator of all of this does! Know that he has an amazing plan. I can’t imagine being 40 weeks and waiting. I had all of mine early and am 37 weeks now…I am already impatient and hope each day that today will be the day! Love and prayers from the Ericksons for you guys!
    love,
    kiera

  7. Heidi, thank you so much for sharing your heart and the ups and downs of the current phase of life. Know that you are loved, thought of, and in the prayers of people around the world. Can’t wait to read about the new little one! – chanda

  8. Waiting alongside you from a distance! Fall is settling in and it has Heidi written all over it! How could you be forgotten?:) All our love to you and your family with great prayers for a healthy birth and a unique time of bringing such joy into the world. Excited to here this little one’s story!

  9. Oh! I think about you daily!!! I am in awe of you right now – truly your faith is so inspiring. I love reading your updates and am praying for you and this new little blessing. I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible about communicating. I will make an honest effort to email regularly! Miss you and love you and cannot WAIT to hear the great news of your newest baby!! xoxox

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