crying, helping, and waiting

I have some posts to catch up on. Including a long overdue post of our house. Why has it taken me over a year to do this? Because I am a perfectionist. And I didn’t want to show you what our house looked like until it was complete. But alas I live in India and completing something that huge (furnishing and decorating a 3 bedroom house from the ground up) takes  freakin forever a very long time time. I am still not done but will still oblige those that are waiting so patiently…

But those posts aren’t coming today, maybe in a few days or even a week. Because J is in Singapore for a work conferance and I have all 4 kids at home. That sentence deserves an exclamation mark at the end, but if you get emails from me you know I tend to overuse exclamation marks.

4 kids. There was a reason that we decided to stop after Vange. We knew we couldn’t handle it. And I am not going to tell  you that now that the 4th is here I realized I can handle 4, cause I can’t. I know I told a few of you that I had a sneaking suspicion that this surprise little person was God’s way of keeping me constantly crying out to him for help, and I was right. I have cried this week, and I have cried out for help.  I need help.

I LOVE him! I love his smiles, his gentle coos, and adorable littleness. I love him sleeping on my chest and talking up a storm when he gets changed. I love his fat rolls on his upper thighs that take skill to tuck a diaper into. I love how, just like his siblings he turns his head into his blankie or hand, or me when he is ready to give into sleep. I love his cute little Josiah nose, and the way he yanks his feet away when they are touched, just like his dad and brother. I love him and wouldn’t give him up for anything.

BUT, the boy can scream. And he has horrible impeccable timing. When A and M are running through the house screaming and playing rough that eventually ends in a wound. And Vange is begging to help me in the kitchen with dinner and she is pulling things off the counter bringing toys in for me to trip all over, or trying to eat all the raw, unsanitary food that she can find. T is in my room screaming his head off, adding that extra little level of stress that just brings me to the brink of tears. It’s crazy!

I have friends that can do it, but I just can’t. How can I homeschool when T wants to be held 24/7 especially in the morning and Vange wants to be the center of attention and I am trying to get A and M on a regular homeschool schedule? Vange won’t sit and look at books, nor will she entertain herself. She won’t watch TV yet, she is all over the place getting into the toys that have a MILLION pieces (thanks to family members), throwing them, putting them in her mouth, or breaking them.

Local school isn’t an option right now, and they are making very slow progress on their school skills.

As I stood in the kitchen crying and begging God to just tell me whatever it was that I needed to do, and I would do it, I knew that having this brokeness this early on in the week meant that I was in for a ride the next 7 days and more than likely would have some sort of breakthrough, spiritual or otherwise. That usually happens when I am this broken and desperate.

I was on the phone one with a friend/collegue the other night and she was suggesting a nanny to help out. It reminded me that before we had T we were looking for someone to come help with homeschooling. Since then I have decided to full time homeschool but I still need help watching the other two so I can accomplish this. Life has been busy with travel (which I love!) and adjusting to T that I had forgotten all about the search for a woman to come and nanny/babysit part time.

The third day into this week I asked our freinds Steve and Devon to come over and give me hand. They stayed all day and it went great! M and A and I had a great homeschool morning, while Vange got undivided attention from 2 of her most fav people in the world and T got held, ALL DAY. And because of that he was a dream.

I was convinced this is the only way I will be able to fulfill this call/desire to homeschool, and do it successfully and enjoyably without completely neglecting Vange and letting T scream for 3 hours. Thus contributing for their need for counseling later on in life.

So now I am expectantly waiting to see who God brings our way for a year or two to come help mold, and love our children and be part of this village of raising.

And here is some eye candy till next time…


7 thoughts on “crying, helping, and waiting

  1. Awww! I’m sorry you are alone, I wish you were here or I was there to help you with the grandbabies. I pray that God will bring someone loving and wonderful to help. Hang in there the seven days will go by fast. You had said that you had a friend that was coming to visit while J was gone. Did that not turn out.

    We need to skype!
    Love you sweetie!

  2. Hey, Heidi!

    GREAT to hear from you, even (or especially?) when you’re in the midst of the struggle. Wow, the one ballerina pic of Arwyn, she totally has your eyes and cheeks. 🙂 The kids are beautiful, and I think you’re a wonderfully brave woman and great mom to be so aware of your children’s needs and committed to meeting them. I’ll be praying for you! Would it be possible to skype sometime?

    Much love,

  3. Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!! The only way to home school w little ones is with help! I usually have help but when I don’t I just want to cry because it’s always when the other two need the most attention! I can’t imagine it with another one. You are a strong woman, and we all need help. I’d like to think I could do it with 4 but I already cry out with three sometimes!

  4. Hi Heidi! I can so relate to the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing!! I can’t imagine the added stress of living in India and having 4 children. As we adjust to 3 little ones I am constantly feeling inadequate! How did I go from the mom that had it all together to this chaos??? I recently had a horrendous experience at the grocery store with all three and was checking out with tears streaming down my face. I was SO embarrassed by how my kids were acting, frustrated that I couldn’t get micah to stop screaming, and mortified that all of this had brought me to tears in public! And now today we are headed out to the grocery store once again…God give me grace! I will pray for you this week! I think having help sounds like a great idea for you. I have tried to do some homeschooling preschool with Isaiah and it is really challenging with Isabel at her age…she sounds similar to Vange. Have you found a good and simple homeschooling program to use?
    Miss you guys. I will pray for you when I am having overwhelmed moments at my house and maybe you can think of me too!

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