Sometimes life is hard, maybe often. OK mostly.

There is lots of life to catch up on here. It has been pretty full around our house the past few months. New friends in our city, many visitors, we also have a new nanny who has greatly reduced my stress level. We have a functioning schedule. It’s not perfected, but at this point i don’t know that it ever will be. Our tendency is to fill our lives so full that we can’t possibly do all the things we desire.  And there is a stress in that, knowing you haven’t managed to accomplish all you want to. Constantly waiting for the time when you do.

We school from 9-2 monday through friday. Then do lunch and naps, chores and dinner. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday we have meetings. Friday night is our new regular date night (wahoo!). Sunday is our family day. It’s usually a day of relaxing, not wearing our Indian clothes, pancakes in the morning, movies, uno, whatever we can get the kids into together, take out for dinner.

But today was a struggle. We played and then made brunch. Children bickering and fighting all the way through the morning. Whining and complaining graced my ears a bit too many times. So instead of three helping me cook, only one did, while the others got split up and had some time to RELAX. And it really continued throughout the day. Kind of a bummer.

Usually we don’t answer our door for anyone but the delivery boy in the evening on Sundays. But today we were to have an expected visitor. But we had 5. It seems in India you can’t get anything or anyone moving into forward progress very quickly or on your time schedule. And then everything happens all at once. “slam bam, thank you mam”.

At 5 ish J answered the door and it was a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in over a year. Her and her two sons were visiting my Hindu neighbor across the hall and heard about some americans who lived here, so she knocked and there we were! It was actually a nice surprise. I met her when I knew absolutely NO Urdu, and I felt a good connection with her but just couldn’t communicate.  That was our first month here. She moved and we moved and I had a baby and all the sudden time just flew away.

Then when we were visiting (her younger son in playing with A and M and E, and her older son, 12 in with us, and her mother in law) The EXPECTED guest arrived with an extra one. The men from the FRO.

What is the FRO? No not men with big hair… It’s the Foreign Register’s Office. The place you go to register your presence in India, and the place you go to get your new baby’s visa. I know our baby is not so new. It has taken 8 eight months to get to this point, with still no visa in hand. Josiah has gone to the office 5 times now, and every time they have a new thing to give or do, with ambiguous answer for us.

Yes. They know that we have tickets to Thailand in just over a weeks time. But really it all comes down to small town men have a little bit of power and they milk it hard. Making everyone’s life who needs something from them a nightmarish emotional roller coaster.

And today it got to me. again.

I haven’t left India in over a year. I am SO ready for a break, different food, different culture, just DIFFERENT. We have a countdown chain that the kids have been clipping rings off of for 3 weeks now. Everyone is more ready for this break than we have ever been before. It’s been a busy, stressful half to 2012.

And our fate (at least mine and Taron’s) are in the hands of power-hungry, stupid small town men. I feel powerless. When we prayed the other day about it I heard God saying to trust him. I have never found it so hard before.

If we don’t have by the 21st, then plan B is to send J and the older 3. (cause he has some commitments and we wouldn’t make the kids miss out on there chance to see their good friends)And I can join as soon as I get it in hand. That means I probably have to go to the FRO by myself and get it. When you picture this place think a third world country DMV on a bad day. With no lines, and no AC.

So when you think of us, and think you haven’t heard from us in a while. It’s because we deal with this kind of crazy crap   drama almost daily. It’s amazing sometimes that we even have a furnished, livable home. Please pray. I feel my heart growing numb. From the held back desire to hope, and the flood of emotions that come with “what if”. Sometimes it’s so hard to trust God. I’m just being honest.

For now I will cling to the tiny seedling of hope that I have from looking back at my biggest fears this last year and seeing Him work them out better than  I could have planned. It really seems what I am battling with is growing my trust in this new image of God I have developed instead of shouldering the lies of Him I had in the past. At the root:

Is he really good?

Does He desire, allow, plan good into my life?

Doe He really want to give me good gifts?

Can I walk away with either result to this still trusting in Him for good in life?



8 thoughts on “Sometimes life is hard, maybe often. OK mostly.

  1. Heidi, Praying for your heart needs. I admire your candor and display of love for our Lord while in the middle of difficulty. I love each and every word as you call out to Him! Could there be a “testimony of God’s provision” in development here?

  2. Dearest Heidi, you are an inspiration and your faith and trust in Him is more powerful than you know. You are strong and courageous because you are His —- always —- despite your thoughts and feelings. He will not let go even if you do. Wish I could see you and hug you tight. I’m in a boat right next to yours being tossed all over the rough seas. While my boat may be different, the storm and the seas are the same. Press on dear sister, for the best is yet to come. For His kingdom’s sake,
    I love you all and miss you bunches.

  3. We sang the song ‘Shepherd Me, O God’ at church last night. It was a song that kept hitting me and speaking to my stubborn heart. The refrain repeatedly says “Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life” and the rest goes like this ;

    God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want,
    I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
    I walk by the quiet waters of peace.


    Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
    you lead me by pathways of righteousness and
    my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.


    Though I should wander the valley of death,
    I fear no evil, for you are at my side,
    your rod and your staff, my comfort and my


    You have set me a banquet of love in the face of
    hatred, crowning me with love beyond my
    pow’r to hold


    Surely your kindness and mercy follow me all
    the days of my life;
    I will dwell in the house of my God

    Praying for you Heidi! Hoping all goes more smoothly than what seems to be at this point. Love to you and your family!

  4. Thank you, Heidi, for sharing your heart cry with all of us who follow you here. Your heart cry of doubt and desperation is your prayer: “God can I trust you? God I need relief desperately, help me!” I am joining you in this prayer that comes from the depths of your body and soul. May you experience the tender mercies of our God once again.
    I love you.

  5. ugh, visas. We’ve had our share of frustrating visits too. I’ll be praying that you won’t have to go with plan B, but regardless, may God bless you in unexpected and beautiful ways.

  6. Dear sister,
    Thank you for being just you. I second the comment above from Lesley that “your faith and trust in Him is more powerful than you know. You are strong and courageous because you are His – always – despite your thoughts and feelings”.

    Praying for all of you. Have tried contacting a few times, somehow I haven’t been able to get through….will call again. Say hello to my friend for me.

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