In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strentgh, but you would have none of it. Is 30:15
This verse was at the top of my devotional today. It does feel like I don’t get any of it. At first my heart responded with defensiveness, it sounds as I don’t want anything to do with those things. But I do.
Life as a mom, taking caring of little ones and not in the company of adults is lonely. Especially when they are little. Constantly testing you, pushing the boundaries, needing help for so many things. It’s a unique time, and temporary, but quiet difficult and lonely. Add to that living in India. I have never stayed in my house so much in my life. It’s very lonely.
I have found myself needing to share whenever I am around adults, and consequently finding myself monopolizing the conversation. At night I fight the urge to be online for hours and hours, connecting with people. I don’t fight it very well. I am struggling with being pent up and my patience tested so much. I find my self irritated even angry at the kids for pushing the same boundaries day after day. Then in the evening I find myself realizing this is normal kid behavior. Learning to obey and be responsible and always getting close to the boundaries to see if they are really there. For security. Why can’t I expect this and respond with grace, tenderly?
I realized why this morning, a bitter root is springing up in my heart. What I need and what and I am missing out on is burning inside me like a fire I can’t put out.
God has been speaking tenderly with me and with much grace. This whole concept has been popping up for awhile in my life. As I work on different goals with my coach one of the action steps that I created for myself in this area was to have one night a week where I sit and listen to worship in the dark and just empty my heart and mind to him. Cry if I need to. Receive what he has for me.
It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t done it yet. This is that last section of the verse. “But you would have none of it”. I know God wants to redeem this lonely time in my life to teach me repentence and rest, that leads to quietness and trust.
The devotional ends with this:
“But me she forgot, declares the Lord. Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will giver her back her vineyards, and I will make the valley of Achor [trouble, anquish, crying] a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth.” Hosea 2:13b:-15a
I am in the desert Lord. Come. Allure.