in the storm

So this song that I shared with you is still rockin’ my world. I made this goal to listen to worship in the dark and bring all my burdens to the Lord in this time. Be lifted in his presence and made new. Once a week.

Initially I let all other things crowd out this priority that I and the Lord identified together. But then buckled down. Instead of once a week. I do it almost nightly as a bedtime routine.

I listen to this one song. Cause I can’t seem to let it penetrate enough and the message is still fresh, powerful and breaking me in his presence each time.

One line says “I am your anchor through the wind and the waves. I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid. When your heart and flesh may fail you, I ‘m your faithful strength.”

Tonight when listening to it something softened and cracked even deeper and I had a deeper awareness. I realized I am afraid.

Afraid of the waves that life has for me right now. They seem to come crashing in on me one right after another. Never stopping. Never giving me chance for air. Chance to dry. Chance to rest.

The only thing that keeps me here is the Anchor. And he gives me no answers. No knowledge or promise of when the storm will pass. Of when there will be a time of great joy and fulfillment in just being in the vast ocean.

The thing I cling to is knowledge that my life is not my own. It was made by him, for him, and it is through him that I am sustained to live it. Whatever “it” is. 

And now its to be in the storm.

I cannot see how the storm is changing me, what its producing in me. And I am helpless to stand up against them.

But he says “I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid. Though your heart and flesh mail fail you, I am your faithful strength.”

And each day he is my faithful strength. Only a day at a time. No more.

And there are days that I don’t cry out for it and receive it. I try and brave it on my own .

I go down every time.

Down in the avalanche of my own emotions. Which toss me about just as much as the storm. And I am drenched with fear, soaked from my own tears. Weary from the relentless waves.

The only thing keeping me going is this word from him. “Come to me, I’m all that you need.”

“Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me. You will not be shaken you will not be moved.”

So tonight I press on, keeping my eyes on him in the storm.

Because he is worthy, Nothing more. nothing less.

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7 thoughts on “in the storm

  1. Your post us exactly what I needed to read right now.I’ve always struggled with anxiety and worry but now it seems to overwhelm me everyday. It’s such a struggle to feel joy and security right now. It’s such an uphill fight.It’s such a brutal fight to try and keep my thoughts upward when I’m battling disobedient children, homeschooling, self, etc. As always, thank you for your honesty.You are a blessing to me!

  2. Dear Heidi,

    I’m so moved by your recent posts, and so thrilled for your dramatic surrendering to the desperate need for God, and God alone. In a way that is backwards to the world, you are so fortunate to be pressed so hard toward radical dependence on him at such a young age. In your description of the waves and waves of trials, with hardly time to get up, I have the image of Christ shaping you in conditions of intense heat, like a furnace, where you are becoming soft and pliable after just 2 years. Again, in a way backward to the thinking of the world, God is rewarding you for your radical choice to abandon your own path to him 2 years ago. You have trusted him, and he is trusting you. He is your Friend.

    And where are you? In the emergency of Vange’s croup I never got that email giving me your schedule here so that we could find some dates to meet. Please give me a call or email me when you have a chance. Thanks!

    Love, Denise

    _____

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