There is a time for everything

I found myself on a down side today. Was it that I haven’t quite caught up on sleep? Maybe. I yelled alot. Loud. I wondered a few times if the neighbors heard me. And while I cringed inside I also fumed. By dinner I knew that an apology was in order before bedtime. They were still infurating me while I was trying to calm down and get dinner on the table. So I put T in his crib, and the other 3 in front of the TV. How do you like that for parent of the year?

Then I locked myself in my kitchen, yes I can do that. I dipped chicken in batter and I questioned God. Why am I so angry? Is it really the buttons that they are pushing? The disrespect they are showing? I resent that I have become a tape recorder on a playback loop?

Or is it something more.

Am I angry that I came back to India with hope that some fundamental circumstance would change and so far they haven’t? Is it that I am feeling stuck, trapped? Angry that I was convinced this wouldn’t happen? And now here I am, right were I was when I left.

You know, even after the one success of the day, that dinner was actually good. I still had things to yell about.

Then before bed I gathered them up and told them what I love about them. That today was hard because they didn’t listen, or show respect, but that I shouldn’t have yelled. I asked for forgiveness. I cried and still had things to say.

M was giggling and making jokes.

I looked at him seriously ” There is a time for laughing, and this is not it.”

And you know, my 6 year was lauging at me and mocking me all the while. I didn’t know what else to do. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed.

One asked “is she laughing or crying?”, another said, “crying.”

I lifted my head and quietly told them to get in bed. For the first time today, they obeyed right away.

I put my head back down and bawled, even harder. When I finally looked up the 3 year old was peeking around the corner. I told her again to get in bed and I locked the door. I turned on this new song my love sent my way and just cried and cried.

Halfway through the song I heard knocking. But I just couldn’t. For two minutes I could hear the knocking in the distance as the words to the song penetrated my heart. Then the knocking got louder. I could tell it was Malachi and I could tell he was crying and the spirit inside me took me to the door to hear him.

A bawling boy, “Mom can I cuddle with you?” I knew he was sorry, and this was his way.

Tears slipped past my cheeks, ” you know what I want more than your cuddles?”

” My obedience.” He answered.

“Yes”. I knelt down and hugged him. He sobbed into my shoulder and squeezed so tight.I joined him.

” I am sorry for disobeying and mocking you mom.”

” I forgive you.”

I reassured him of my forgiveness. Calmed him down and sent him back to bed.

I came in later to help V find her blankie and He was still sobbing in his bed.

He couldn’t shake the sight of me curled up in my bed crying because of him. I told him I was ok. That I forgave him and I ย thought he needed to forgive himself. He asked me to pray for him. I did. Then he prayed, which I wasn’t expecting.

Through his sobs I heard “God help me to obey mom, and respect her. Help me to stop mocking her and making her sad.”

We took some deep breaths together and he asked if he woke up in the middle of the night if he could come sleep with me. (Dad is out of town).

Then just like this, He needed one more kiss, and one more hug.

I found myself back in my room, needing to cry some more. because there is a time for everything. And I am horrible at waiting.

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12 thoughts on “There is a time for everything

  1. Heidi, I found myself crying as I read this because I can relate so well! It can be so hard, no matter what corner of the world we are in, when dad is away and we are exhausted! Praying for you for strength and continued perserverance as you lead with grace and forgiveness. You are doing an amazing job!

  2. Thanks for your brutal honesty. Parenting can be the pits no matter where you are–no matter what age the kids. I still have my moments and mine are pushing 50!! That’s not to say that they are not great people today but think of all the melt-downs we-that is-I have gone through.
    We are praying that Father will give you extra-ordinary strength and courage and trust that He will care for you. Remember, He knows exactly what you are going through more than you do. Wish I had a great quote right here but nothing comes to mind. Just know we love you and the kids.

  3. I Love You! These three little words have so much meaning for me.
    I Love You ~ It’s time like these that I wish I could run to you put my arms around you and hold you tight.
    I Love You ~ It pains me deep down to my core to know you are going through this tuff time.
    I Love You ~ I pray for you and cry to God as well. Knowing that He is the One who can truly be by your side and carry you through the storm.
    I Love You ~ I pray that you will have a peaceful nights sleep and in the morning you feel refreshed, renewed and that God will quiet your soul and give you peace.
    I Love You my sweet daughter.
    Mom

    • There you go and make me cry again ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks mom, I needed this from you ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for calling and calling auntill you reached me. It means alot. Love, your daughter

  4. Dear Heidi, I am a friend of Juanita’s from college and I enjoy reading your comments on life in a different culture. I have lived in Sweden (with my Swedish husband) for almost 25 years, and much of what you describe applies to my life in a culture so different from the one I grew up in. Regarding your latest post about readjusting to life in India, I have had exactly the same reactions upon returning to Sweden from time in Oregon(where my folks live and where I grew up) I refer to it as culture lag. Over the years it has improved, but in the beginning it was distressing and took me weeks to readjust to the cold and withdrawn Swedish culture after being in the US. I pray for you each weds. (my H I J K day) and please know that you are not alone in trying to adjust to an alien culture. Blessings on your day with your precious children, and may God fill your day with joy. Delores Berg

  5. Woooooow, so much emotion in this post, it’s totally palpable and it hit home…I find myself in this position often!!! I then feel guilty and even worse! Hugs n love friend!!! You”re a great momma!

  6. Thanks for being so honest. I still remember we were so excited when you guys were coming over to our house for dinner before leaving for India (2 or so years back). We were planning to have some quality time, and wanted to especially pray with & for you and Josiah. And that night when you guys came over, our kids were anything but cooperative. They were constantly fighting and disobeying and having melt downs. We were so disappointed and embarrassed and left wondering what got into them!

    Anyway, Sarah totally has days like these. Thanks for trusting your friends enough to share your life with complete honesty. You could have put up face but you ‘chose’ to be real as Christ wants us to be with each other.
    -Amit

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