I found myself on a down side today. Was it that I haven’t quite caught up on sleep? Maybe. I yelled alot. Loud. I wondered a few times if the neighbors heard me. And while I cringed inside I also fumed. By dinner I knew that an apology was in order before bedtime. They were still infurating me while I was trying to calm down and get dinner on the table. So I put T in his crib, and the other 3 in front of the TV. How do you like that for parent of the year?
Then I locked myself in my kitchen, yes I can do that. I dipped chicken in batter and I questioned God. Why am I so angry? Is it really the buttons that they are pushing? The disrespect they are showing? I resent that I have become a tape recorder on a playback loop?
Or is it something more.
Am I angry that I came back to India with hope that some fundamental circumstance would change and so far they haven’t? Is it that I am feeling stuck, trapped? Angry that I was convinced this wouldn’t happen? And now here I am, right were I was when I left.
You know, even after the one success of the day, that dinner was actually good. I still had things to yell about.
Then before bed I gathered them up and told them what I love about them. That today was hard because they didn’t listen, or show respect, but that I shouldn’t have yelled. I asked for forgiveness. I cried and still had things to say.
M was giggling and making jokes.
I looked at him seriously ” There is a time for laughing, and this is not it.”
And you know, my 6 year was lauging at me and mocking me all the while. I didn’t know what else to do. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed.
One asked “is she laughing or crying?”, another said, “crying.”
I lifted my head and quietly told them to get in bed. For the first time today, they obeyed right away.
I put my head back down and bawled, even harder. When I finally looked up the 3 year old was peeking around the corner. I told her again to get in bed and I locked the door. I turned on this new song my love sent my way and just cried and cried.
Halfway through the song I heard knocking. But I just couldn’t. For two minutes I could hear the knocking in the distance as the words to the song penetrated my heart. Then the knocking got louder. I could tell it was Malachi and I could tell he was crying and the spirit inside me took me to the door to hear him.
A bawling boy, “Mom can I cuddle with you?” I knew he was sorry, and this was his way.
Tears slipped past my cheeks, ” you know what I want more than your cuddles?”
” My obedience.” He answered.
“Yes”. I knelt down and hugged him. He sobbed into my shoulder and squeezed so tight.I joined him.
” I am sorry for disobeying and mocking you mom.”
” I forgive you.”
I reassured him of my forgiveness. Calmed him down and sent him back to bed.
I came in later to help V find her blankie and He was still sobbing in his bed.
He couldn’t shake the sight of me curled up in my bed crying because of him. I told him I was ok. That I forgave him and I thought he needed to forgive himself. He asked me to pray for him. I did. Then he prayed, which I wasn’t expecting.
Through his sobs I heard “God help me to obey mom, and respect her. Help me to stop mocking her and making her sad.”
We took some deep breaths together and he asked if he woke up in the middle of the night if he could come sleep with me. (Dad is out of town).
Then just like this, He needed one more kiss, and one more hug.
I found myself back in my room, needing to cry some more. because there is a time for everything. And I am horrible at waiting.