Because Life is short.


So with the departure of my husband to a faraway land (Switzerland) I am here marveling at how God is bringing all whispers together in my heart to move me to action.

I have been failing for a few years at fighting this “no yelling” battle. Many nights of tears, repentence, guilt, and fears beating down my door. “These beautiful children that God has given me, I am gonna screw them up.” the loudest voice in my heart when these things happen.

I have cried out to God so many times. How do I stop? Whether it’s the times I was yelled at as a child or my own triggers from my past that send me into a rage, I don’t know. Or maybe its simply my own sin, my selfishness, as I started contemplating after reading this blog post. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need to get at the root of why as much as I need to get to the root of how it happens and how its going to stop. Cause its got to stop.

Cause Tonight even as my heart was reflecting on all these things. I yelled. At my 1 year old. Completely insane, I know. I was trying to get his pants on and had 3 other things going on an he decided after getting one leg through to go limp. After telling him several times to stand up, which he understands, I yelled at him to do it. And he started crying. Which broke my heart 1 cause he did nothing wrong, he was just tired and letting me know and 2 completely confused about why I treated him that way and confused about if I am a safe person for him (not safe, his own mom.) 3 cause it’s not like I haven’t been mulling over this issue all day and I here I am doing it to the youngest and least deviant in the household (all in the same day). I prayed that he understood me when I apologized before putting him to bed.

Why is J in Switzerland? Cause he is about to attend a memorial service for his God-daughter that was kidnapped and murdered last week. She was 4 when He met her and became her Godfather. She had just turned 19 and is now gone.

And besides a million other things swirling through my mind and heart concerning this injustice, God is surfacing this desire of mine to stop yelling and start loving more.  Because life is short, and childhood shorter. And I want to be a safe haven not something they fear or tune out and close off to. Because each day that I have with them is a gift and it’s time to start living like that, believing it, and making them believe it by how I love them.

I came across this challenge last week. And although it resonated with me, I didn’t jump on board. Why?

Because I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of publicaly saying ” I need help. I need accountability, I need you.” And then having to come and tell you that after 1 week or 1 month, I failed and had to start at ground zero again.

And because  I am afraid that deep down I cant do it. This will be yet another thing that I didn’t succeed at, or follow through on.

But in light of my emotions and revelations tonight, fear is nothing compared to the thought of not having the chance to start again each day with one of my little ones.

So raise your glass friends (cause I can’t, but could sure use one) Here is to change, growth, and starting new. And here is another to transparancy, and helping eachother as we walk run and crawl through this journey together.

Only by God’s grace I am becoming a Orange Rhino tonight.

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9 thoughts on “Because Life is short.

  1. Hey Girl. The fact that you 1 recognize your “iniquity”, 2 accept responsibility for it, and 3 take steps to address it (you orange rhino you), demonstrates that you are a darn good Mother and women of God. We all have our 3R episodes “release, regret, and repentance”. The last R being the most important of course. Hang in there. That girls fate is most upsetting. I am supposed to Skype with Josiah tomorrow morning at 6 am, I wonder if that is still viable for him? I have not heard otherwise from him yet. We love you and miss you all.

    Rob

    • Yes, he tried to cancel all his appointments for the week but maybe he missed yours… ill double check with him if he manages to reach me today. BUt maybe assume a cancel, just check your email first. Thanks for your encouragement and grace. miss you guys.

      today the girls were fighting over the pink straw bowl you brought. Arwyn says ” but Rob gave it to ME.” tearfully. 🙂

  2. Oh, Heidi, I love you. I love your honesty. I really needed to read this today. I feel like we are living parallel lives! I have really been struggling with this too – and your post have me the courage to admit it to my husband today as well. It’s amazing to me how God still uses you to speak into my life across the oceans! I looked through the post you referenced and am going to join you on this challenge! I wish I could call you in the middle of the day to cheer eachother on..but with the time difference I would wake your whole family! I’ll stick to blogging and email, but I’m joining you now — by the grace of God! xoxx

  3. Oh, Heidi, I am so sorry for this terrible tragic loss in Josiah’s life and in yours. And I so appreciate you honest heart cry to be given gifts of patience and kindness as you take care of your four beautiful kids. I am praying for grace to come. I was wondering if some of the rage and short temper has to do with pressures you are putting on yourself. Pressures to hurry, to get things done, to be a great mom. ’Cause lots of times when we are impatient and unkind to ourselves we will be impatient and unkind to others, especially those closet to us. When we are living under some self imposed pressure to perform, we will pressure others close to us. Maybe what is needed first is some grace for you. Some compassion for you. Some patience for you. From the Father. From Jesus. From all of us who love you. I do love you, girl, Juanita

    ________________________________

  4. Hi Heidi,

    Thanks for the honest post. I’m sorry to hear about Josiah’s God-daughter, that must be tough. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only “yell-er” out there. I also am a “yell-er” and have really tried working on this for the last four months or so. I have been taking a class called Family Life Skills which helps me discover why we do what we do. It’s a 3 hour a week for 30 week course and it’s really helped me. I know you can’t take something like that in India, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone on this journey. It’s been tough to change my habits, but God is changing me little by little. I looked up the Orange Rhino challenge. It’s pretty neat. I’m not sure I want to take the “Challenge” in terms of 365 days. Instead I want to day by day change how I react to my kids. I think the one thing that I gleaned from the Orange Rhino website is the stuff to do instead of yell. I am not very good at doing something else and this gives me lots of alternatives. In my Life Skills class we’ve learned that to change a habit you have to replace it with something else.

    So, I will be praying with you along your journey to yell-lessness. Let me know if there is any way I can help you. (Especially if you want to vent about India…I’ve been there!)

    In Him, Sarah Diwan

    Date: Sun, 26 May 2013 19:25:08 +0000 To: sarahamit@hotmail.com

  5. First of all, how incredibly brave of you to admit you struggle with yelling. We all have a tendency to want to post just the good parts of ourselves, and family life, and not the ugly side. I see so much of “we are the perfect family” shared online via pictures and posts that it often makes me struggle with feelings of “what’s wrong with me?” & “Shouldn’t I act better than this?” & “Am I even saved??” And then I blame my crazy kids because they are young, loud and high energy! Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in this & even those I hold in the highest regard(you) struggle with it.

    I so love your posts because your perseverance and authenticity is such an encouragement to me! ♥

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